Making Friends in Midlife
Human beings are hard-wired for connection. It is in our nature to seek companionship and community. As we get older, however, it can be hard to forge new friendships. One of the biggest obstacles? Time.
Friendships require time to develop. It is through conversation and shared experiences that we get to know one another. If we do not spend time together, a friendship cannot progress from acquaintance to casual to close.
Think about friendships in your life. There are people you've known for years who you still consider acquaintances. Then there are the friends you haven't known as long that are casual or even close friends. The difference is the amount of time you have spent together.
As we move through life, there are more demands on our time. Love relationships, family life, and careers take up the hours we once spent with friends. As a result, we spend far less time fostering friendships than we did when we were young. Before we know it, years have passed, and our group of close friends has dwindled.
The people around us are another factor impacting friendship as we age. If you have a career, you may not want to be friends with your co-workers. Or maybe you do, then a job change removes you from that group and puts you into a new one. If you have stayed at home to focus on your family, you may have limited contact with other adults. Or perhaps you have found a social group, and then a move separates you. It's easy to see how friendships can fizzle.
A third factor impacting friendship as we get older is our life experience. We know ourselves better than ever when we reach midlife. We have a better understanding of what we value and desire in our friendships. We know our boundaries and are more confident in setting them. Finding friends that mesh with our midlife-selves isn't easy. The effort is worth it, however!
Our social relationships contribute to our happiness, satisfaction with life, and longevity. Friends give us something different than our love and family relationships. So, how do you grow your friend group?
Here are eleven tips to making friends in midlife:
1- Adapt a 'making friends' mindset. Be open to receiving friendship. Notice the opportunities around you. View everyone around you as potential friends. This energy will emanate from you and attract others!
2- Put a smile on your face and say hello. Ok, so people can't see your smile with your mask on, so saying hello in a friendly tone of voice means even more right now! Be aware of your facial expressions and body language. Keep them open and kind. A smile on your face is a good start.
3- Have three conversation starters memorized. Many of us get stuck after saying hello. Think of three easy ways to continue. A few examples: give a compliment & ask a question (e.g. 'Your glasses are fantastic. Where did you find them?'), comment on the environment you're in & ask a question (e.g. 'Wow, it's so busy here! I wasn't expecting it. Do you know if this is typical?'), ask for advice (e.g. 'Which one do you recommend?'). The more you do it, the easier it becomes!
4- Reach out to former close friends you miss. You know, the ones who knew you better than anyone. The ones who make you feel good. The ones who you can talk to and feel like it's been minutes, not years since you last spoke! You invested time with these friends years ago. It won't take long to rekindle these friendships if you make the time.
5- Host a 'Plus One' Party. Pick a date and time. Make it virtual or in-person. Invite a few friends to bring a friend who is new to the social circle. Keep the workload low and add to the fun by making it a potluck. At worst, you'll enjoy being with your friends and meeting new people. At best, you find new friends to expand your circle.
6- Sit at the bar when you go to a restaurant. You can meet interesting people when you're out to dinner if you sit at the bar. It's far easier to strike up a conversation at the bar than at a table. The bartender is a potential friend as well!
7- Find a hobby. Is there an activity or interest you stopped doing or have always wanted to do? Hobbies are an opportunity to join a community. Facebook and Meetup groups are excellent starting points for connecting with others who enjoy the same hobby as you.
8- Take a class. Is there something you want to learn? Seek out digital courses that include a component of community-building with other students. Visit a community college website for adult-learning options. Head to your favorite search engine and search for (fill in the blank) classes near me. Sign-up for those group fitness classes you want to try. Have conversations with the other students and see where they lead!
9- Volunteer. Find a cause or two that is important to you. There isn't a non-profit organization in the world that can't use volunteers! Reach out to a staff member and express interest in volunteer opportunities where you can work with others.
10- Connect on social media. If you are on social media, connecting with the human on the other side of your device can be a friend-starter. Use your DMs to reach out to the people who make you feel good and inspire you. Tell them how their content impacts you. Start a conversation. Meet up for coffee virtually or in person. See where it goes!
11- Be patient. Friendships take time. Let it happen organically. Through your conversations and experiences, you will know who has the qualities you seek in a friend. You will grow your group of acquaintances, casual friends, and close friends as a result.
Yes, some of these are better suited for social distancing than others. Pick what you feel safe doing now, then layer in others as you feel more comfortable.
Making friends is a lifelong adventure. Friendships made in midlife can be some of the most fulfilling of our lives. Now get out there and do it!
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